Relative Something

*this* John W. Hays’ take on things and experiences

Posts Tagged ‘relationships

This Why

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This is why we can’t have a nice paved driveway like the other folks around here whose asphalt looks incredibly well-maintained.

We have an ongoing need for dump-truck loads of lime screenings for our paddocks.

That loaded dump-truck really makes an impression on the land. As he prepared to depart, I asked the driver to NOT center his truck on the driveway on the way out, and instead to run one set of wheels right down the middle. I’ve been trying to do the same with our vehicles ever since his visit last year, but haven’t had much effect on the eruption of cracked pavement the truck left for us that time.

Household discussion last night:

John: “Should I try to spread some lime screenings tomorrow?”

Cyndie: “Maybe.”

J: “Should I pull the T-posts instead?”

C: “Maybe.”

J: “Should I move the composted manure out?”

C: “Maybe.”

J: “Should I work on dividing the chicken coop?”

C: “Maybe.”

I think she got my point, and seeing as how I wasn’t getting any help with prioritizing, I chose not to continue with the thirteen other things also deserving attention.

It’s a good thing we are so smitten with each other, or these kinds of exchanges would take on additional unstated intentions. In our case, it just added to the love already present. Her refusal to take my bait brought a smile to my face. Our current healthy communication is a return on an investment we made long ago toward a few years of couples therapy.

This is why we can have nice conversations unburdened by alternate unstated agendas.

Well, that and the fact Cyndie gracefully puts up with my endless ribbing. If she wasn’t so saintly, I’d have needed to make myself a bed out in Delilah’s kennel years ago.

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Send Love

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Over the weekend we learned of friends whose long-term relationship is in crisis. As disorienting as it certainly is for them, Cyndie and I were knocked for a loop ourselves. It quickly became the focus of our thoughts. We wanted to help in any way possible, but beyond offering unconditional support, we cannot solve their problems for them.

That doesn’t prevent us from wishing that we could.

CandJWe’ve been there. We know that life on the resolution side of dealing with crises holds potential for innumerable possibilities. To get there, the path requires dealing with the darkness and trauma of immediate difficulties, while simultaneously allowing space for the manifestation of yet-to-be-imagined better outcomes to be had.

It is a matter of maintaining an understanding that the most trying challenges are not as all-encompassing as they can seem in the moment. The emotions we experience are very real, and though powerful they may be, emotions simply hold information to help us find our way. They do not constrain all aspects of the matter at hand.

The reality of situations is not limited to the way we are feeling in any given moment.

We have to heal ourselves and we have to heal our relationships. It may be hard to accept, but there is a gift to be claimed in the wounds that we experience.

We cannot do the healing for others, but we can hold them in our thoughts and send them love.

Cyndie and I are doing just that with great conviction today.

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Written by johnwhays

November 2, 2015 at 7:00 am

Posted in Chronicle

Tagged with , , , ,

Cyndie’s Magic

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My favorite scene from yesterday, out of the many fabulous moments, is without a doubt the one where Cyndie magically solved a problem when a branch became stuck in the chipper.DSCN2210e

Cyndie and I work in very different ways, and even though it drives me nuts, I am aware that it is a blessing. In simple terms, I am concrete-sequential and she is abstract-random. She also seems naturally able to believe that dwelling in possibility will derive whatever good outcomes she imagines, while I more often find myself bound by laws of physics and a recognition of the probability that what can go wrong, will.

She offered to pull branches out of the brush pile and stage them for me so I could feed them into the chipper. Great!

She suggested we bring the truck down to catch the chips directly in the back of it. Brilliant! I wish I would have come up with that idea.

Things were progressing nicely, despite my frustration over her random version of staging, when one rather large branch became tightly wedged in the narrowing feeder chute of the chipper, bringing things to an abrupt halt.

I tried a couple of pulls and pushes, quickly deciding to shut down the tractor engine for a closer look. That, and my angst laden appearance, brought Cyndie over to view my attempts to wrestle it free. With both of us wearing hearing protection, we weren’t doing much in the way of conversing. She stood by politely while I pulled with all my might. I leaned in closer to determine the primary issue. Moving it from side to side did nothing to release the pressure of the knobby knot that had become pressed hard against the metal.

I bent over to see what hardware I would need to remove in order to take the cone off the chipper. When I stood up, Cyndie was standing there holding the branch that she had pulled out of the chute.

I was dumbfounded, staring wide-eyed in astonishment at her accomplishment. Without speaking, I walked toward her, sensing her confusion over what I was about to do. I got close and reached up to squeeze the muscle of her arm.

She smiled.

My attempts had probably loosened it for her. Yeah.

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Written by johnwhays

October 19, 2014 at 9:57 am